Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Ian, how'd you confuse your body today?

With a rubix cube.

I'm curious as to what the reaction would be if I just ended the post like that. Rubix cubes are confusing, and when you commit to something as much as I do you end up using your entire body to solve that dratsab. Except that when I was younger I cheated by just peeling off the stickers and putting them in convenient locations, so I'll end this story with a lesson for you all.

If you try and cheat the rubix cube, it will strike back. Keep that in mind. I google searched "Attacking Rubix Cube" and this is the result that I got.

Luckily for you I'm not going to end this post with that note. I do enjoy a good thinker to process while I go about my day, and I'm sure you do too, but instead I'm going to remove any thinking from your afternoon and just spoon feed you the details about how I confused the living organisms (organizmz if you're creative) out of my body today.

I woke up this morning freezing cold. This is not an exaggeration, I actually peed an icicle.

Next, I put on sweats, sweatshirt, and down booties. I waltzed downstairs where I had coffee #1. My insides became warm and my feet followed in line. Soon, I was comfortably warm.

I had originally planned on doing a bike ride after waking up. However, the weather was confused and as the rain pounded against my window and dripped off like all the fat on a Christmas ham (I've never had Christmas ham, but if it's as drippy fat as I'm imagining I'm not interested) [side note, I just got mad that my computer didn't autocorrect <im> to <I'm> like my cell phone does. That's a bad sign for my future of being able to communicate with people]. Anyways, I decided that since I was now comfortably warm from proper clothing and coffee, I would wait to ride outdoors.

I worked on schoolwork (sort of) for the next couple of hours. I had coffee #2 and even took my down bootie slippers off. My comfortableness led me to decide that since the weather was awful, I would do my intervals inside on the rollers and then finish the rest of the riding on my cross bike outdoors.

I got kitted up and headed into the garage where it was colder than an arctic 7-11. I turned the fan on, had it face me on the rollers, and shivered as it taunted me with its cold breath.

I pedaled for about five minutes shivering, and then as my cadence and breathing increased my jersey zipper proportionately was pulled down. Soon, the jersey was off and my intervals were starting. Two towels, one and a half water bottles, and one huge sweat puddle-lake-river later I was burning hot and finished with ride one. I sat on the stairs in our garage, the steam coming off my back giving me an angelic vibe, contemplating my warmth. I slowly took my shoes off, composed myself, and walked into the well-heated house.

Ten minutes later I was still sweating, my body confused by its shift from max effort to checking Twitter. As I prepared for ride two, my new riding clothes were layered on my still-sweating body. The long sleeve undershirt, long sleeve jersey and rain jacket stuck to my mid-August sweat. I pulled leg warmers and tights on, slowly cooking myself inside.

I got onto my cross bike and headed out in the rain. Blissfully content for about 13 minutes, I soon turned onto the most exposed part of the ride. After being pelted with sleet for five minutes, I hit the trails and started "ripping" through the mud puddles and gravel. Things were great for about an hour, then I started getting COLD.

I finished the ride shivering, soaked to the bone in muddy water. My bike was a mess, so I stumbled to find the hose. We've got these hellish covers to keep the pipes from freezing, so after spinning a wing-nut with numb and swollen fingers and sloppily attaching the hose, I finally was able to get my bike clean.

At this point, my hands and feet are useless. I spray my legs down to clean the mud off my leg warmers and struggle to reassemble the pipe cover, which has a design so difficult that it would make Houdini raise a white flag.

Finally the faucet cover was on and I was able to go inside. After having to open my shoe buckles with telekinesis, I got inside the house.

Every working brain cell told me to wait to shower. I'm supposed to put sweats and wool socks on and drink tea until I thaw out a bit. Unfortunately, rap music has taught me that rules are meant to be broken so I headed straight for the shower.

I went from freezing cold to painfully warm much too fast. I'm not ashamed to admit it- today was one of those fetal position in the shower kind of days. We all have those, right? Right? Uh-oh. My feet and hands came alive first, pounding like some poorly operated highschool marching band.

Then I went to Hawaii and sat on the beach and got really comfortably warm again.

Maybe it would help to summarize, and think of this musically. Much like Brian McKnight's SMASH hit "Back to One", I present to you:

"Back to Being Cold and Back to Warm" by Ian Crane:

Step 1, you wake up really cold,
Two, you get dressed right and get warm bro,
Three, you ride hard and a fast, and that's how you get really sweaty
Four, You ride outdoors
Five, you freeze some more
Six, you take a shower
If I ever believe that I'm warming, then I'll start back at this morning

One, you wake up really COLD
Two, you get dressed right and get warm bro,
Three, you ride hard and a fast, and that's how you get really sweaty
Four, You ride outdoors
Five, you freeze some more
Six, you take a shower
If I ever believe that I'm warming, then I'll start back at this morning

hey hey hey.


Oh, and I have an essay due tomorrow. Hence the blog post.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Gravitec camp 2013

It's 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon and I am about to die.

Let's rewind a bit. I'll leave you hanging in suspense with the question in your mind on whether or not I survived the Sponsor Camp for the 2013 Hagens Berman Cycling team.

Last weekend was the meet and greet- mainly a good excuse to get to know our new teammates and director, but also a chance to learn about sponsors, expectations, and metaphorically pour one out for the homies who couldn't be there.

For those of you with memories like baby geniuses, Danny made a crash at Redmond Derby Days, broke his collar bone, and got surgery. Fast forward 6 months and the plate in his shoulder had to come out. This just HAD to happen last weekend, so instead of him actually being there, Alan created this cardboard cutout of him. Much fun was had. In other news, Steve has papercuts all over his body.

Friday afternoon came the time for 9 cyclists to step far, far away from their sweat pant wearing lifestyles to don some fancy clothes for dinner with the Don. In order to avoid last years parking lot changing fiasco, we all chose to wear nice clothing all day instead of just for dinner. This led to Winger running to the store rapidly to buy laces so he could look just like me.

To avoid cocky statements about who was the best dressed, I'll instead focus on the fact that Cody brought two ties for a one tie sort of weekend. This is something that I have tremendous respect for, and although he only wore one, he was able to hook Stuart up with his extra tie. This is the beginning of a weekend filled with great teamwork and stylish dressing. Meanwhile, Jon "Horndogbrocal" Hornbeck didn't wear a tie. This led Steve Berman to call Jon out at dinner as being the "rebellious one of the group". In a non-related story, Alan sat next to Berman for a brief meal and he wasn't wearing a tie.

I found this picture of Alan at dinner. He slipped the bow-tie on after Berman left.

On the complete opposite side of the spectrum, here's a picture of one of my teammates in their fancy getup:

That's a picture of David just outside the restaurant. I bet most of you thought that I was going to follow up an "Alan is tall" joke with a "Steve is short" joke, but I flipped it on you. I wasn't going to belittle Steve with a small joke.

Enough about clothing. Friday was an opportunity to hear about:
We are all excited to have Burke Swindlehurst be our DS for the year. Here's an amazing fact about Burke- he has done the Cascade Cycling Classic and the Tour of the Gila more than fifteen times each! It is going to be very beneficial to our team to have someone with as much experience as he does. If you're wondering why we all made the split in a crosswind at Gila, it's because Burke knows about that one house in that one corner that blocks the wind at a 37 degree angle and makes it so you can move up easily before a windy area that always has a stiff 23 mph breeze coming from the NE.

Saturday morning took us to the new Gravitec warehouse. For those of you who don't know, Gravitec is a company who specializes in fall protection for workers whose job puts them at risk of falling from high places. People like window washers, construction workers, and Circ de Soleil acrobats all rely on Gravitec to educate them on how to be safe while working at heights and provide them with protection technology in the event of a fall.

Then there's us.

Photo by Kyle Mutter and Winger Studios
The goal for Saturday was to put the riders in uncomfortable or unfamiliar situations where we would have to rely on our teammates and our communication skills in order to solve a task or to safely navigate an obstacle. A couple of my favorites from the day were:
  • The wall climb- We were taken to the base of a 15ft wall with a platform at the top and were told "you have three minutes to get everyone to the top. GO". This is the moment when David Fleischhauer carried the weight of the entire team on his shoulders. Look for him to do this more throughout the season, but in this specific moment we decided that the best way to get all of our people over the ledge was to have David squat everyone up on his shoulders. This worked GREAT until there were only two people left at the bottom. One of those was David, who also happens to be the biggest/strongest guy on the team. We were able to get him up, but then were left with no one to boost the last guy up. 
Photo by Kyle Mutter and Winger Studios
  •  Flat changing contest- This seemed pretty normal. Get a bunch of cyclists together doing activities and make them change a tire really fast, right? Sort of. We got paired up with a teammate. Myself and Staz set about making tactical decisions, and then my right arm was abruptly tied behind my back. So was Staz's. All of a sudden, this tire changing contest was two guys with two left arms total. Go! What was cool about this is that there was a lot of unspoken teamwork happening. At least with Staz and I we knew exactly what needed to be done with the tire. In contrast to a task that we weren't comfortable with (ie climbing a wall), we were able to set about doing it and fix problems as they came up. This gives me confidence for the 2013 season. When you put our team in an element that we are comfortable with (bike racing), I think we have proved that we are prepared to work well together. Since y'all are dying to know the results of the race, Staz and I changed the flat in ~2 minutes and 40seconds. We were the second ones to take off the tire, take out the tube, put the tube back in, put the tire back on, and inflate it to 100 psi using only our left hands. Steve and Jon technically got it done first, but as soon as they got to 101 psi their tube blew. Our tube is safe to race on, so who's the real winner here?
  • 100 ft of rope climb- We did this last year, but it is still as brutal and as fun. Climb 100 ft of rope using one strap on your leg and an ascender and your puny little arms will hurt in the morning. Guaranteed.
Photo by Kyle Mutter and Winger Studios
    • Tight rope walk and Commando crawl- Two methods of getting across a rope at a height. The first was a ~25 foot shuffle across a gap on a rope 35 feet in the air. You stood on the rope, tried to be as smooth as possible, and supported yourself with another rope above your head. The commando crawl was a little different. You hugged the rope on your stomach, and inched across it staring anywhere but directly at the ground 35-40 feet below you. Never have I seen anyone move their arms as fast as when Colby fell off and was dangling by just his arms. He jungle gym'd across the rest of the rope quite rapidly to safety. Now I'm convinced that I'll never have to do any heavy lifting the rest of the year. He's in charge.
      Photo by Kyle Mutter and Winger Studios

    Photo by Kyle Mutter and Winger Studios

    Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for. My death or near-death experience (which one is it?!?!). At the end of the day we were given the chance to do the 15ft wall climb again. This time we were wearing our harnesses. The first time we failed miserably- we needed to get 10 guys up and over the wall in 3 minutes or less. We got 9 guys up in about 7 minutes. This second time around, we were supposed to get 12 guys over the wall in 3.5 minutes.

    Instead of just David doing squats, I helped him carry the weight of the team. We held the team on our shoulders and would not budge. By doing two at a time, we were rapidly getting guys to the top and soon were left with just David and I at the ground level.

    I did a wall sit and David climbed up my thighs, onto my shoulders and was grabbed by someone at the top. The ~10 guys at the top all pulled David up halfway so that he was held in limbo. Half his body dangled off the wall like some Rambo ice-climbing movie. I was able to just reach David's foot, so I grabbed that and began walking up the wall, Mission Impossible style. Soon I reached his harness and was able to climb up that until I was close to the top. Trouble- I had nowhere else to climb. As I dangled off of David, I saw Cody lean over the side and grab on to my shoulders. Since he's Canadian, and Canadians know a thing or two about lugging heavy objects, I just sort of assumed that I could let go of David. Unspoken teamwork. I released my monkey grip on David's harness and as the rest of the team pulled David up and over the wall, I hung 15 feet in the air, the only thing keeping me from the Felix Baumgartner freefall to the ground below was Cody. This is where I learned that Cody J Campbell has the upper body strength of 11 cyclists or at least 1.5 adult males. I expected to hang there until Cody got some help from the other guys, but instead he started pulling. Cody single-handily saved me from imminent sore ankles, good footage for @WingerStudios, and probably a different ending to my blog post.

    Here are some more photos from Kyle Mutter and Winger Studios:

    Dude, sup Danny?

    Yes, this is a cycling team. Yes, these were not cycling-related activities. But if you take an athlete out of their comfort zone you introduce a new dimension to their interactions. Instead of facing problems that we've all seen before, we were forced to: communicate better, think outside of the box, use each others strengths and weaknesses, and rely on people that we just met.

    How many of you would jump off a 40 foot structure with only 8 people ensuring that you didn't splatter on the ground? And of those 8 people controlling your fate, you've known half of them for less than a day?

    Standing 40 feet in the air about to take that jump, I did not hesitate for a second. Thank you Gravitec for turning a group of strangers into a much closer team.

    We are all excited to get out on bikes and try to drop each other. Sorry, I meant work well together.

    Wednesday, January 9, 2013

    Living at Danny's House

    This is the story of a man named Ian Crane,
    Who jumped on Virgin Airlines to escape the rain,
    Who had froze and shivered, aching pain,
    Escape to California, a race to train

    He arrived in California, the puddles splashed high,
    Readied himself to hear "who brought the rain? Oh, this guy"
    But instead the sun came, indeed it was seen
    So he went for a ride to a place called "Palos Green"

    Day two through nine, bike pedaling was done,
    Some through and off on the PCH, LOL it sure was fun.
    Climbing in the mountains, Maybe not as quick and sharp,
    But he made sure to start every ride with at least two Pop Tarts.

    Yum! Candy, snacks and treats
    Stuffed his pockets, a pleasure to eat.
    Snickers, Twix, or a gas station Apple fritter,
    These powered him strong, made him post about it on Twitter:


    So what did he get from this camp? (No, no tooth infection)
    Let me explain to you what was accomplished, yes this is his reflection:
    • Three beards grown
    • At least ten cereal boxes consumed
    • 36 hours of riding in 9 days
    • A week of top 10 in Strava miles competition
    • Two boxes of Pop Tarts
    • Two emergency gels NEVER removed from pockets
    • 8 episodes of Ridiculousness watched
    • 43,000 feet of climbing
    • One super tan, Hawaiian tropic Ian
    • 650 miles
    • 14.76 million kilojoules 
    • Average power 498 watts.
    • And one new amazing tv show to watch

    This weekend is the first team camp of 2013 for Hagens Berman Cycling. It will be good to meet the new guys, see the new equipment, and make several jokes about the extremely large and weird-shaped mass of flesh and hair that makes up Cody's head.

    This also means I will have something to write about, because the last three weeks I have done nothing but pedal, watch reruns of the Big Bang Theory, and read. This post also marks the first time I posted instead of doing school work for Winter Quarter. Big news people, I GRADUATE IN THREE MONTHS.


    Peace out you hooligans.

    Your friend,


    PS: I had the theme song from the movie "The Hurricane" stuck in my head at the beginning of this post. It goes a little something like "this is the story of the hurricane, the man the authorities came to blame". The rhyme makes more sense when you hear the song. And it's awesome, and the movie is awesome. Watch it.