Thursday, November 29, 2012

Forgotten Moments

Can a moment be forgotten if it was never known about in the first place? Is it still a moment?

Recently I got a new telephone. This was a pretty big experience for me because now I have a phone that is capable of making phone calls, as well as all that other fancy stuff. My old one didn't do much except check Twitter (which it was EXCELLENT at). Moving on, when I got my new phone I made it my non-exciting, lazy-life goal for the day to determine if any of the photos on my phone didn't need to be there. I'm all about saving space when I have a new phone with huge memory. I'm all about efficiency, and I'm a straight shooter.

Speaking of photos, with this new phone I finally was able to have the technological advance-ness to become an Instagram kid. This is something that I've mocked for as long as I had a phone that wasn't capable. However, when Tela told me that Instagram was going to be the next Friendster- sorry, the next Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, etc. -, I knew I had to join as to not get left in the dust of human advancement. Not having Instagram would be as shocking as Tela not having a PayPal account. What is this, the 1940s?  As soon as I entered the modern world, I jumped on the opportunity to take artistic photos of boring things:

I'm all confused with my direction of this post now. Let's summarize. Forgotten moments , new telephone, new capabilities, looking through photo galleries, Instagram, making fun of Winger, making fun of myself, making fun of Tela not having PayPal, artsy photo.

Oooooh I remember my direction now. It's pretty obvious when I look at it all separated by commas in one long sentence. What I discovered when I was looking through all the pictures on my phone is that I have a lot of spare time. That and I have several photos that were never tweeted or blogged because they just didn't fit with the mood at the time. Let me tell you folks, at this moment, the mood is right.


The cell phone pictures that weren't eligible to go into other posts but still hold special weight in understanding my life, my friends lives, bike racing and also other stuff.

This is what happens when you have a van that has lot of seats, but two of those rows of seats are filled up with ~8 bike boxes + luggage + Hornbeck's DJ gear. This also only happens when you are doing a 3+ hour drive when you could have just flown into another airport. This is a special picture because you may notice that Honest Gabe is sitting in a seat. This only lasted for about a minute because he would rather be in discomfort then have anyone else feel that discomfort.

Next, when traveling with THE Joe Holmes, road rules do not exist.  Please note that Joe is the driver of the black car next to our van. By that, I mean the white car that is in front of our van.

This is how you feast if you're name is David. This burrito place in Arkansas was excellent, and this double-sized burrito, with double-sized chips, and less-than-single-sized salsa was just the solution to a stage race. The greatest sadness of this trip was when David left the second half of the burrito in the fridge instead of taking it with him on the airplane. This caused a great pain in my chestal region (that and my broken sternum).

Another picture from Arkansas. Turns out that I was too busy feeling sorry for myself for crashing in every possible situation that I didn't share EXCELLENT photos (getting cocky here). In a desperate search for FroYo, HeeleySwag, David and I accomplished our goals. However, we had to walk there and that was the most tiring thing I had to do all season*. David was thirstayyyyy but this fraud of an establishment didn't have sippy cups. Please note that this is not yogurt in the bowl that David is sipping from like a dog, but instead crisp, cool water. Also funny that there was a place to get water from but no device for water transportation into your belly. Very strange.

Perhaps one of the most common scenes of the 2012 season. Kennett eating while his teammates struggled to do a task that they just needed one more guy for. Before you get all snobby and yell at me for documenting this moment instead of helping, this was also from Arkansas. Plus, everyone knows that I do my workouts with 6-8lb medicine balls and a van seat is WAY too heavy for me.

Another Arkansas. Perhaps the most fitting photo of @horndogbrocal ever captured. Although I don't really get the basketball reference, this was sign that was made for us by one of the host families. They had a huge fiesta on the crit course where Gabe got drunk off of one sip of beer immediately after finishing a very difficult race.

Kennett's bag never came and he was lucky because we were flying in the next day and were able to pick it up for him. He asked me to get it from the office, and this was waiting for me. 

In the photo gallery "KP gets angry while waiting for food" but also in the #CamoWaffleHouseHat category of life. Please note my finger over half of the camera lens. I didn't have Instagram yet so I was trying to add a fancy, homemade filter.

After a quite pleasing team victory at Tour De Delta, Heeleyswag, David and I went exploring (in search of FroYo (a weird, reoccurring theme with the three of us)) the White Rock area of Canada. We were the only people in this entire waterfront village that weren't on a date, so we sat and creeped on everyone else. A couple with matching crocs stays together.

*besides other stuff

There you go. Just some moments that never originally happened but now can happen and be considered moments because they can't be forgotten since now they exist.

I'm very angry at myself for having a lull in blog posts. I was supposed to be doing homework this morning, for the first time in a while, so naturally I wrote a blog up instead. Now I'm going to fail school because of all of you and you'll have to provide for me monetarily and foodetarily for the next 7-10 years while I try and redo this class that I didn't do the assignment for because I was putting pictures onto the internet.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Call for Action!

Finally! A way for you, the reader, to actively participate with me, the typist. Besides that thrilling moment when you got to decide whether or not I should shave my ape-arms or not, this is your chance for you to get out there and DO something!

To be brief, I go to school.

To be less brief, I am taking a class where one of the projects that we have is to design and build a website from scratch. Concept-publication, we're in charge. I decided that I didn't want to do a site that would be beneficial in any way, so what I'm doing is a collection of photos (sort of like an awkwardfamilyphoto site) of clunker cars.

After realizing just how much I adore the #swaggerwagon with all its beautiful flaws, I started to notice that lots of people felt the same way about their cars with more...character... than charisma and definitely more miles than most. This is where the site comes in.


The site for people who love their beat up cars to submit them for internet fame and glory. There will be more to the site, because I have requirements for grades and stuff, but the main feature is photos of cars.


If you drive (or have driven) a vehicle that fits your own personal description of clunker, I need you to submit it to me so that this site can have some content!

Please email a photo (or attach a link in the comments on this blog) along with a short description of why you like it or why it's a clunker to:

thisismyclunker at gmail dot com

Send photos! Chris Wingfield and Mike Hone, sorry you read this far. This does not apply to you.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Bracelet Affair part two

For those of you who aren't friends with me on Facebook or follow me on twitter (what's wrong with you?), I leaked this photo on Friday:

It's quite obvious- this is the cover for my novel. If you don't get the joke, this cover design was not inspired by anything.

Let's get right into it.

Lance Armstrong is/was a talented athlete. With his accomplishments you have to believe that he has a tremendous work ethic, fantastic genes, incredible skills and genius tactics. Steroids or no steroids, the man was a gifted bicycle racer and an dedicated athlete. Sure, all the above are greatly benefited by the use of performance enhancing drugs, but in order to see the truth behind his doping success you must accept all of these as facts.

Without going into too much history, I'll assume most of you know that Lance Armstrong had cancer that he overcame in 1996. When Armstrong won his first Tour in 1999, he did so clean. I mean clean in the sense of PEDs (performance enhancing drugs). However, the treatment from his cancer was still rushing through his body. As he recovered into superhuman like form, radiation from his chemotherapy fused with his natural bodily synapses. His body recovered from his cancer into a permanent radiation-like state.

He won the 1999 TDF by 7 minutes.

No big names raced the Tour that year- Jan Ullrich was injured and Marco Pantani was high somewhere. Armstrong knew that 2000 would mark the return of competition. The return of challenge. This is when he transforms into the dope-test passing cycling monster that came to define his reign throughout the early 00's.

Something had to be done. Armstrong, now full of endorsement deals from his Tour De France success, was rolling in money and resources. From a relatively unknown Texan to an international superstar, he had not only the funds but also all the newest technologies at his fingertips.

It was no secret throughout the Armstrong reign that he always strove to have the best equipment, the most scientifically proven training, and the most aerodynamically efficient position achievable. It's common knowledge that Armstrong put Trek stickers on a Litespeed time trial bike because that frame was more aerodynamic than Trek's model. It's not confidential information that Armstrong chose to have downtube shifters on a mountain stage because they weighed less, or had helmets specifically designed for the shape of his back. Armstrong was always willing to find that extra 2% and that transferred across to his mechanism of cheating.

With unlimited funds and resources, Armstrong contacted an unknown (at the time) doctor named Allen Lim. Allen was looking to make a name for himself and his new product- the red blood cell duplicator. This is where the science, cheating, and health defying behavior comes in.

Lim implanted Armstrong's left wrist with a transmitting device. This device serves as a miniature blender of sorts. When activated, it starts vibrating rapidly. Think of a paint shaker at the hardware store. This transmitter, hidden inside of his wrist at the location of the highest density of veins in your arm (the place where people cut themselves to bleed profusely) , shakes so violently that every individual red blood cell is temporarily split into two. Duplicated by force, the available red cells double, doubling hemoglobin and greatly increasing the amount of oxygen that gets to your muscles. When activated, this transmitter acts as a boost, a Nos type accelerant that temporarily increases your ability to bring oxygen to your muscles.

The genius part behind this idea? The part that made Allen Lim rich and Armstrong famous? The damaged red blood cells cannot survive in their smaller (but higher quantity) state. The broken off duplicates of the original cells die, making it virtually impossible to notice in any sort of drug screening.

Again, you must believe that Armstrong is an incredibly talented athlete. A fantastic bike racer. With the addition of this red blood cell duplicator, he was able to go past 100%. He had a trick up his sleeves in all sense of the phrase.

What was the transponder hidden in?

The band of his Nike wristwatch. When Armstrong pressed the Mode and Start/Stop button simultaneously, the duplicator was initiated. Activate turbo-attack.

Armstrong won the 2000 TDF by 6 minutes and 2 seconds.

In 2001, Armstrong won by 6 minutes and 44 seconds, and in 2002 he won by over 7 minutes.

Then disaster struck at the 2003 TDF. Armstrong won by the thinnest of margins- a slim 61 seconds separating Armstrong from second place. Something had to be done.

Pay attention to the left wrist:





The most famous moment of the 2003 TDF-

Every photo, every win and every race-changing attack, Armstrong was fueled by the red blood cell duplicator.

However, after the 2003 Tour De France it was obvious that the red blood cell duplicator was no longer as efficient- his attacks weren't as deadly and his time trialing wasn't as swift. Time to re-hire Allen Lim.

After several multi-billion dollar scientific studies and days of research collected, Lim found out the problem with his transponder. The metal in the watch strap and watch casing was delaying the signal to the wrist transmitter, and Armstrong's aging blood cells couldn't adapt to the delay. It was time for a change in transponder. Re-injecting a new carbon fiber cased transmitter (to replace the titanium model) into Armstrong's right wrist, it was deemed that in order for this to continue to work, the transponder must not have any metal interferences whatsoever.

In 2004, on the eve of the Tour De France, Lance Armstrong's cancer foundation, Livestrong, introduced a new way to show your support to the public. Lightweight, yellow, and all silicone, the Livestrong bracelets exploded in popularity. The perfect cover for blood cell duplicating masterminds like Lim and Armstrong.

The silicone in the bands did not interfere with the signal transmission, and their immediate popularity made Armstrong fit right in with the crowd. How could he be doing anything illegal? He's just like you and me.

With a very non-retail Livestrong bracelet, Armstrong was able to flex his right wrist twice to initiate the shaking.

Lance Armstrong won the 2004 TDF by 6 minutes and 19 seconds and the 2005 TDF by almost 5 minutes. Just like the good old days.

Check out the right wrist, and what's noticeably absent from the left:

In 2004-

 Finally, in 2005-

Armstrong's secret, CRACKED.

It might be hard for some of you to believe this. It might be hard to see past the fact that Armstrong was an incredibly talented athlete and won 7 Tour De Frances *mostly* on his skills and strengths. What you have learned today is that a rich man teamed with a brilliant mad scientist to uncover a new method of body manipulation. One with properties so advanced that even medical geniuses don't understand the possibilities. You may be questioning how a blood cell could split in two and survive, but what you should be asking yourself is what CAN'T a blood cell do when it just Live(s)Strong.

Hey Mr. Armstrong, did you cheat to win all those bike races?
Maybe thissss much
 Finally, no wonder he was good at bike pedaling. His head is TINY!

(note- this is a work of fiction and if this is true I expect job offers from the FBI, WADA, Encyclopedia Brown, and the Harvard School of Blood Shaking.)

(also important: in no way is this a reflection on the LiveStrong foundation)

Monday, November 5, 2012

The Bracelet Affair part one

Long time readers of this site may remember one of my first posts ever, and my first Get Rich Scheme blog ever. I listed off my first set of ideas, and there was one that has been consistently on my mind since I first wrote the initial abstract.

Please go back in time and refresh your memory on a certain scheme that I'd like to refer to as "The Bracelet Affair". For those newer readers or sufferers from memory loss, refresh your memory here.

To tell the truth, I haven't wanted to compose this because I've been saving it for the book. However, with the recent explosion in the cycling world I figured that no time is better than the present for presenting a brief... excerpt... of sorts from my future novel.

Correct, I am talking about Lance Armstrong. I pretty much turned away from the Armstrong adoration when I started getting serious about cycling. It was too common and too Fred-like to cheer for Armstrong. When he made his comeback to racing, I was more excited about the growth in crowds at the Tour Down Under rather than the fact that a "legend" was coming back to the sport. When his name got thrown under the bus by early accusations, I didn't rush to defend him to the masses or burn any posters. Finally, when ish really hit the fan and he was no longer a seven-time Tour De France winner, I didn't cry, didn't feel heartbroken and didn't get in any arguments with non-cycling fans at school. I just didn't want a part in it. However, when huge voodoo statues are erected then burned, when South Park has a Lance Armstrong episode, and when Lang Reynolds gets almost 50 retweets, I knew that my interest-silence had to be broken. There is no time like the present to uncover what really happened in the Lance Armstrong world of sports cheating.

PS Juan Pelota= Armstrong's Strava account
Coming tomorrow:

The Bracelet Affair: How Lance Armstrong REALLY beat doping tests, cheated the system, and won all those bike spandex races.

By: Ian Crane