Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Message to the Neighbor Dog, Sincerely, We the People

Enough is enough! You out of control, miniature voice box, mutt-like, terrible, terrible creature. I like dogs with a passion. They are awesome. But I hate you. You aren't a dog, you are a squirrel with a temper problem, or a guinea pig with ADHD. Seriously, what is wrong with you?

My dog barks too. But my dog at least sounds like a dog when she barks. If you sound like a dog, then it is acceptable to bark every once in awhile. Maybe when there is an intruder trying to break into your house, or when a polar bear is attacking your family. Then bark. But not you neighbor dog, you loud, obnoxious, bark at the wall dumb, shoebox with barking abilities. Go away! Seriously, you need to leave.

Really though, do you have OCD? What's wrong with you? Don't you get tired of barking all day? Don't you get tired of sounding like a rusty seagull sneezing through a vocoder? Are you trying to set some sort of Ripley's Believe it or Not record about the most noise created by a creature smaller than one water bottle? Do you think you're intimidating, or are you trying to prove something? What are you compensating for?

At least bark at something meaningful, like me when I break into your house to put a muzzle on you. Or Steve when he throws a pillow at you. In the nicest way possible, I hope that you eat an entire jar of crunchy peanut butter and lose all ability to produce noise.

Thank you very much, and maybe I can finish my essay now.


We the People

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