Saturday, August 4, 2012

Huge Apologies

I'm unbelievably sorry that it has been so long. I've been so caught up in business ventures (G-shock sponsor search) that time flew by and I have not written in awhile. Perhaps if I had another G-shock watch, time wouldn't just fly by on me. I could keep track of it better.

I'm not one to make excuses but I've been really busy. You may ask how. You may wonder what I do besides sleep and ride my bike. The answer is, really, not much. However, this week I've been desparately in search of a job. That's right folks, I've tried to put myself out into the real world and get a job that gives me money in exchange for little amounts of work.

Let me specify. I wrote a post for craigslist in search of a job. The link is here:

Since you are lazy, here is how I chose to advertise myself:

Hello! Times are hard for everyone, and this is the solid truth. One should never generalize. However, work is light and I have several excellent skills and qualifications that I know would be the perfect fit for your business. My times of drifting around, trying to live off of funds from my underwear model career (I am not past doing 100% of my work in just underwear) is coming to a close. It's time for me to plant my feet for awhile, metaphorically speaking because I have extreme ADD. I can not sit still for longer than 55 seconds. I hope that this doesn't hinder our future business partnership. I also wouldn't turn down an equal share in your business! Here's why:

1) I have excellent people skills. I'm straight shooting, honest, and never tell a lie. I strongly believe that customers are nothing but pawns in a game and I should crush their spirits and minds to mold them to do what I want. Think of the positive net gains for your business!

2) I'm skilled with television, internet, and ordering pizzas. Expect me to hone those skills on the job. By allowing me my freedom with tasks and duties, I will be more effective when I set out to work.

3) As previously mentioned, I look great in Hanes underwear. For a couple extra dollars, I'm willing to wear Fruit of the Loom.

4) I have no problems firing other employees for you. I know, you're the boss. It puts you in a tough situation when you have to get rid of one of your own. I am willing to put myself in that position. Consider it "taking out the trash". Except don't expect (I'm also a master of words) me to take out the actual garbage. I don't do physical labor.

5) Need to cut costs? Yes, I know that hiring another employee doesn't help finances. PERHAPS you should reconsider. I have a unique skill set: One where I can analyze budgets, look through receipts, and study special figures. These skills allow me to look upon finances with an unadulterated view. This view on your company has no boundaries. I WILL FIND the most efficient way to save you money.

6) I have a profound memory. Have a lunch meeting? I will remember it for you. Fire your secretary. Or better yet, hire me, have me fire him/her, then tell me about your lunch date.

7) I know how to use Microsoft Word.

8) I'm good for office morale. If someone is sad, I'll comfort them. After firing them. Like I said, I have excellent people skills.

Thank you in advance for your time. I believe that I am the perfect fit for your company, private business, or home entertainment.

Please respond with your interest and I will include a resume with my follow-up. 

That is what I put on craigslist.

Ok, small personal story. Some of these aren't really in my skill sets. For example, I have nothing against Fruit of the Loom. I was merely trying to demonstrate the crazyness of people and I hoped that this resume would earn some exciting responses. Boy, was I wrong.

Of the ten responses that I got, 3 were for personal assistant jobs, 2 were for housecleaning, 3 were spam, 1 was for web-based advertising, and 1 was funny.

This is wacky. I was actually offered 6 real jobs. Well, they at least seem to be real. Unless "are you available to run errands" is code for something else.

Here is the funny response:

I was expecting much more along these lines.

Here comes the social experiment! I put a slightly more serious resume up (


I will be brief. I am a 22 year old college student searching for work to help pay for my schooling.

I have an AA degree and am three years into a Bachelors degree. I am studying Communications and Spanish. Although not fluent in Spanish, I am proficient in speaking, listening, and writing the language.

I am looking for work that allows me to pursue my athletic and academic dreams. These dreams do not allow me to have very flexible hours, and I will never be able to work the weekends. I am a hard worker and will make the most of my time when working.

I enjoy writing, problem-solving, and learning new skills. I am skilled with computers and other electronics.

If you would like to know more, please contact me and I will provide a full resume.

Thank you in advance. 

NO RESPONSES! Not even spam.

What does this tell you?!?!?

I'm going to go train now, and stick with bike racing resumes for hopefully the rest of my life. Or maybe the Onion will hire me?


  1. ...I went to high school with the guy who started the Onion. He recently got back to working there. I'll put in a good word for you.

  2. You make sense out of the most complex topics.
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