Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Not to Brag, but...

I went ahead and did it. I solved one of the mysteries of life. The following is a result of what happens when you push a man into a corner.

(note: I am very grateful for dental insurance and that I am able to get my teeth cleaned on a semi-regular basis)

Yesterday I went to the dentist. Some of you may remember my previous experiences with dentisti (plural of dentist) but all that scientific article really showed is ways to avoid those general uncomfortable moments while in the torture chair. I never really investigated the primal, basic, and downright crafty restraining methods used by dentist practitioners these days. Don't you ever wonder? How do we stay so sedated and so still while we let random "experts" assault our mouths with deadly weapons? We definitely are not so quick to allow other random citizens to visit our mouths with ice picks, chainsaws and pressure washers are we?

Would you let that guy clean your teeth?

There is good news. I have figured out this system, I have outsmarted this bounty, and I have uncovered the secrets that these "DDS" use to con innocent bystanders into using their gypsy remedies and salves. Sidenote, DDS stands for something crazy. They try and trick you into thinking that its dictionary definition is "dentisti of dentist stuff" or something like that, but really it means "dangerous diabolical psychopath". They get away with the psychopath because that word sounds like it starts with an S.

Here is how these dentisti of dentist stuff get away with their sick and twisted hobbies. It is a two-piece puzzle. Which on the surface sounds shockingly simple, and when you break it apart it really is. The dentisti of dentist stuff and their drone-like assistants sedate you in TWO WAYS:

1) First, they sit you down in those bed-chairs. You think to yourself "dang, these are chairs, they are somewhat soft. I'm going to keep my legs to each side and keep my feet on the ground, just to keep myself grounded". So you sit there, and then all of a sudden assistant robot 1 pushes some magical button and you start to lightly recline, slowly and smoothly with the purr of a motor whispering into your ears at your future laziness. At this point, there seems to be nothing that you can do. As your back and head drop towards the ground at a rate of [one dream : one volt of motor strength], your feet are tricked into moving themselves to the foot rests of this reclining coffin bed.

Here's the bloody confusing part! These chairs ARE NOT THAT COMFORTABLE but somehow the mechanism of the motor and... something else... trick you into burrowing yourself into these chairs and slowly losing control over your thoughts and fears.

How does this happen?

2) It's so simple. There are all sorts of interrogation tricks used by angry and urgent people in movies. These included, but are not limited to: water, noise, anger, drugs, darkness, and BRIGHT LIGHTS! That's right concerned people, the dentisti of dentist stuff get you in the exact mindframe they want (completely lackadaisical) by shining those light towers into your eyes at just the right angle. This is how uncomfortable chairs become disturbingly comfortable. This is how ice picks and pressure washers become hands of angels. This is how "mint" polish actually tastes like mint.

That's right. The spotlight isn't for "better view of teeth". Dentisti of dentist stuff have little flashlights on their glasses anyways. THOSE are how they see better. The light tower is to hypnotize you into submission.

I can't just tell you about this and then let you be on your own for trying to figure how to prevent yourself from being simply a cadaver on your dentisti of dentist stuff's table. Here is how I prevent this from happening:

1) I spend ALL day sitting in a comfortable chair before going to the dentist. Muscle memory is a powerful tool, so I try and spend as much possible time on the day-of trip to my nightmares to remind my body just what I find comfortable. This changes for everyone, so if your idea of comfort is to hang yourself from a chin-up bar by your ankles, be my guest. Just as long as you are COMPLETELY relaxed and comfortable before heading off to the DDS.

2) Now that you're actually comfortable, the next step is to provide your own protection tool. Some people carry mace around for protection and some even have pocketbook pistols. These don't do you any good at the dentist, but I have my own protection that is imperative I bring along. I suggest you do the same. To protect against the light tower of seduction, bring your own sunglasses. These are special sunglasses. You need to get the darkest lenses that you can find, and then spraypaint over the lenses. You should not be able to see out of these glasses. The robot assistant will try and make you trade. They will ask you on at least 4-8 occasions to use their glasses, but you must refuse. Say that you are terrified of eye diseases. Say that you were born with these sunglasses stuck to your face. Say that similar to Joe Dirt, you had them put on your face at a young age and they became fused to your eye sockets. Whatever it is, do not take these off. YOU ARE SAFE WITH THESE LENSES!

And that folks is really it. Simple deception and preparation tools can keep you safe from mind-control at the dentist. Easy!

Also, when looking for pictures, I found this.

This is terrifying. Infinity X larger??

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