Thursday, September 8, 2011

Awkward Disabler

I'm sorry :( :( :(

Anyways, the past couple days I've realized that there are some situations that wouldn't normally have any awkward feelings, but human nature creates that awk-vibe. ALWAYS! These situations are pretty normal things, but I've noticed that there is an instinctual desire to feed upon these moments and turn them into something much, much more. Similar to adding water to a Chia-Pet, we choose to nurture these moments, and the awkwardness growwwwsss.

So what are these moments you ask?


This moment catches you in a unprotected environment. What I mean by this is that when you step out of that port-a-potty, you have your guard down. Then it happens. Whoever is next in line feels the need to chat-chat-chat it up, if only briefly. Usually some form of holding the door open interaction occurs, followed by statements like.........

"Warmed it up for you"
"Now I'm ready to race!"
"Hey hey hey hey!"
"Um... sup"
and my favorite
"Ooohh look, it's YOU"


I had to go to the dentist this week. What I mean by "had to go" is that I am so lucky and so grateful to be privileged enough to have Dental Insurance that I take time out of my day to go get tortured like if it was the 9th sequel to the Saw movie franchise. OK so I hate the dentist actually. Especially because they often say such things as "Oh yes, your teeth and gums are really healthy and well taken care of. But we're gonna go crazyyyyy anyways". Whatever, this is not awkward. Yet. First of all, why when you go to the dentist do they give you sunglasses that look like something that Billy Idol would wear to a rave in a highlighter factory? Next, where in the world are you supposed to look? Because pretty much every time you try and look somewhere else, the Hygienist yanks your head in their direction like they are trying to get a kiss on prom night. Then, those little binocular safety goggles that they wear amplify their eyes, so the Hygienist looks like the acorn searching creature from the movie Ice Age.

But none of this is the awkward part.  Please tell me why when you have 3 fingers, 1 mirror, 1 scraper, 1 water sprayer, and 1 water sucker in my mouth it is a good time to ask me about how I like my school? First of all, I still have 3 weeks of summer, so shawty please. Secondly, should I re-list the instrumentation that I have up in my grill? Anyways, since I am a polite human I try to respond, and then you get the typical response- "Please, stop trying to talk and keep your mouth open". AWK

All you dreamers out there must be wondering why I've only talked about the awkward moments, when I titled this post Awkward DISabler. I've learned how to evade, ignore, somewhat-appreciate, and deal with these two specific moments. And I'm going to share with you. You're welcome.


First, the portable-toilet fiasco. The somewhat-appreciate part comes with the fact that it's just plain old funny to me... Next, evade and ignore. This is 100percent in the hands of whoever is waiting inline. This could be you, or contestant number 2, whatever. DO NOT DO THIS

This is NOT a line for an Oprah Winfrey book signing. Listen up: First, you ARE going to get hit in the face by the door when it opens. Lets be honest, there is no room in those little capsule-coffins to have a door rotate inwards, so its gotta roll out. This is like CPR on a beach- 1 person doing the CPR and 27 people standing around watching, hoping to recreate an Episode of CSI in real life. (Get off your couch). Give some room people! So as the person in line, I've found the best way to evade/ignore is to either A) Form the line on the SIDE of the porta potty, away from the general direction of leaving, or B) Stand far away and pretend to be picking daisys, digging a hole, watching racing, whatever. Just do not "text" on your phone, that is way to obvious. Everyone knows that you don't have anyone to text at that exact time.

So there is the appreciating, evading, and ignoring. But what happens when you are forced into having to DEAL with this situation in the flesh? In order to take this awkward situation and turn it around, when you exit that port-a-potty.... Well here is the script. Memorize this, Oscar it.

-Ooohh look, it's........

then FALL OVER and pretend to be asleep.

Awkward over. If you sell it right, the person will just think you're asleep. First they'll say something like "har har har good one" but then you do NOTHING. This is the most important part. Do not laugh, do not fake snore, nothing. Simply lay face down in the grass until they say something like "wow you're cray cray homes" and enter the portable toilet. This is your chance. Wake up like its xmas morning and book it back to wherever you belong.

In the strange situation that this doesn't work, as in for some reason Person 1 does not believe that you have Narcolepsy. There is only 1 back up plan. And that is to start barking like a dog.

You're welcome for permanently stopping Port-a-potty awkwardness.

Luckily Dentist-awkward is way easier to solve and it involves much less steps.

Appreciate- Hey, you're getting your teeth cleaned, decreasing your risk of gum disease, and someone else is flossing FOR you. Smile! Roll with it- Think of answers to the questions they are asking you, and when the tools are out of your mouth, politely respond! Ex- "Thank you so much for asking! I love school, and I look forward to starting up with classes again soon. No! I don't know my major. I just like so many different things that I just can't decide!"

Evade/Ignore- This is also pretty simple. Pick a spot on the wall, and stare at it. Solve complicated math problems in your head (2x=4 , etc), write song lyrics, and pretend to be deaf. Maybe. Just grunt, follow instructions, and get in and out of there sans-awkward.

Deal- Most Hygienists will pick up on the steps and ask less questions. But every once in awhile, you get a Hygienist who just looooves the interactions. Here is how you solve the problem. Every single question (EVERY SINGLE ONE) you have to respond the exact same way. I don't mean with words either, that doesn't work because then you get yelled at for answering. Every single time a question is asked, you have to train yourself to instinctively bite down like you're sampling finger food (LOL) at a fun get-together. Prettttttyyy soon the questions will stop.

OK Nastayyy. In the Dentist-Awk situation I really think that Appreciate has got to be the best tactic. Try it. Maybe. Then you get lots of free stuff afterwards. 

If I taught Pre-School, this would be my first lesson.

Think outside the box!

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