Friday, August 5, 2011

How to Eat to Prepare for a Race

I am in Chicago for Tour of Elk Grove. NOT Tour DE Grove, because that was in May and in some other state. But anyways, this is a UCI race which means that I can't fill in the tubes of my bike with helium airbubbles to make it lighter. This race is also the richest race in the states: Theoretically I can come away from Chicago with over $36,000 in prize money. In order to do this, I'll need to win every stage, every hot spot sprint, and the overall. I'll let Steve, Cody, Lang, and Gabe win some premes, as well as finish high, so that we can win the 2k for best team also. So that's the plan. But how do I prepare for such financial domination? It's easy. It starts in the kitchen.

It's a fairly well known fact that proper nutrition can be the difference between 12th and 11th, 21st and 18th, and winning and being hungry. So if you don't do it right, perhaps don't even start. There are many crazy nutrition plans out there: Everything from only eating fruit to Breatharianism, which is when just the sunlight and fresh air provides you all the nutrients that you need to survive! AKA those people think that they are dandelion plants.

So here is how I eat in order to get ready for a race.

First, find the biggest blender that exists in this world. I personally use the Vita Mix, because it is huge and has a stirring stick that reminds me of my ancestors grinding wheat to make bread. But I try not to get reminded too much, because I'm gluten free. Anyways, once you get this blender, it's time to go to work. Here is what I add into a normal liquid meal-
  • Two scoops cornmeal (for fiber)
  • One head of elephant garlic (for immune system support)
  • Three full salmon filets (omega fatty acids, essential for recovery!)
  • One package of spicy italian sausages, in the plastic (for protein and aided digestion)
  • Six raw eggs
  • 100 chia seeds (this is important, count them out)
  • Eight teaspoons of apple cider vinegar (apple is a fruit!)
  • Two Watermelon flavored jolly ranchers
  • Salt, lots of salt
  • Berries for proper smoothie color (of course you put berries into a smoothie, what kind of monster do you think I am?)
  • Kefir for the liquid base (to help with the stomach)
  • Two large prunes, One handful of Kale (not too important on quantity), Three heads of Broccoli, and 1/2 of a spaghetti squash (this must be cooked pre-blend)
  • One french press worth of COARSE coffee grounds
  • OMG lots of spinach, soooo good
  • And finally, love
This is the really important part- A serving size =  however much you have in the blender when everything is finished mixing. Keep in mind you might need to have an extra blender blade handy if you are doing this more then twice a day, because the plastic on the sausage wrappers tends to wreak some havoc on the blades. But only creatures eat more then twice a day anyways, so none of you will have to worry about that.

Finally, do not, and it is absolutely pivotal that you DO NOT drink this in a regular cup. Are you kidding? You must find a large goblet or bucket and drink it out of that.

But really, I had two breakfasts today.

Love, Ian


  1. Throw a few Sizzling Cinnamon Jelly Belly beans into the blender to help open the airway and add a little zing to the prune flavor.

  2. Sheesh, I'm not trying to get fat, do you know how many calories are in Jelly Beans?!?!?!