Monday, February 6, 2012

Get Rich Schemes #8

At this rate, instead of actually doing all these things I could just bind them in a book, have Malcolm Gladwell write the introduction, and make quad-trillion dollars selling these do-it-yourself manuals in local book stores. I'd include a couple blank pages after each idea so that people could have some time to reflect, scribble some notes, draw some logos, and then boost their financial baller-ness. But none of you are allowed to use Cran-ye, that's my golden chariot to living the MTV cribs lifestyle.

Moving right along, this next product is sure to revolutionize roughly one-third of your life. Unlike some of my other ideas that are pretty life-changing, this one is not that. This one is life ALTERING. First let me explain the difference between those two words.

Life-changing- How you go about your life is changed by the new product, business, or fame. You become a slightly different (better) person if you invest in my Burrito store. Your habits are changed.

Life-altering- Your life is legitimately better after investing in this product. You live healthier, happier, lose 45 pounds (if you need to), and enjoy going to the opera with your wife. You have a bounce to your step, a smile to your day, and a whistle to your tone. You're welcome.

OK, so what's this magical elixir that alters your life? That you spend 1/3rd of your life doing? Hint- it's not watching re-runs of COPS in hotel rooms.

SLEEP! That's right folks, I've invented a product in my mind that will change the way you sleep by bringing comfort to your lives and peace to your REM cycles.

I'm about to put a tic-tac sized worry in your head that over the course of the next several weeks will evolve and grow and expand and eventually turn into a huge WTF is wrong here moment inside of your cabeza.

I'm sure many of you are quite comfortable on your sleep-number beds, your tempurpedic mattress, or your water bed. How many of you think that your current situation is as good as it gets? Well I have an answer for you. It could get a whole lot better. EVERYONE knows that if you sleep on your face, you suffocate or wake up with an ache in your neck reminiscent of the time that you tried to break dance at that one college party back in the day and woke up in the fountain at your school wearing your schools mascot uniform. And the common human knows that sleeping on your back can lead to nightmares, midnight snacking, IBS, and 6 different forms of stiff back syndromes.

What I'm leading to is that the ONLY way to sleep safely and comfortably is to sleep on your side. You can breathe better and your body stays naturally aligned. However, there is one problem with this gem. Most humans have two arms.

Dun dun dun. How many nights have you spent completely unaware of what to do with your mattress side arm? Have you ever woken up with tingling fingers similar to the time you tried to see what would happen if you drank only coffee for one week straight? Have you woken up with one perfect shoulder and one really sore shoulder? What I'm really asking is... Are you actually happy with your current sleeping comfort level? I didn't think so.

I have the answer for you.


The Crane Cut Mattress Line

Correct. I have created a product that has the answer to your arm-worries. With the perfectly measured slit in the mattress, your arm comfortable rests below your body- allowing free movement and pressure-free sleeping. Wonderful! Imagine a door with a mail-slot. It's like that, except the mail-slot is a lot bigger and more towards the top 1/4 of the mattress. Simply slide your arm in and drift off into an island paradise of sleep.

If you order a mattress for the whole family, we'll take 10 dollars off your order!

(MSRP $1499.00) (It's 1/3rd of your life. Spend the money)

But wait. In order for this mattress to work, you need the matching bed frame! Sure, you can use your current bed frame if you want to hacksaw a hole into the frame, therefore weakening the strengthening points in your IKEA model#542. Or, you can purchase the matching bed frame, with a 10000 ton strength guarantee. Our scientists have evaluated the tensile strength of the materials we used, and trust me when I say that they're awesome.

The great thing about the bed frame is that they will come with many majestic things carved into the headboard.  Fighting gorillas, prancing ponies, Chunk from the Goonies, or Hilary Clinton. Whatever you want to watch over you while you enjoy the PERFECT nights sleep, we will have our woodcarver mold into the strong, durable, stylish wood that supports your new mattress. 

(MSRP $2500.50) (It's 1/3rd of your life. Spend the money).

If everyone had this product, there would be no war, there would be no debt, and Tupac would have rapped the National Anthem at the Super Bowl with background vocals provided by King Tut.

I fell asleep beneath the flowers
For a couple of hours
On a beautiful day
I dream of you amid the flowers
For a couple of hours
Such a beautiful day
-Lupe Fiasco

1 comment:

  1. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a really well written article. I will make sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful information. Thanks for the post. I will definitely return.
    Fisher-Price Luv U Zoo Jumperoo