Friday, April 19, 2013

Get Rich Schemes Number- Back In Business

It's been awhile since I've had to resort to brilliant ideas in exchange for financial sustenance. Butttttt

These sort of things are expensive. Other examples of expensive things are groceries, gas, shirts with collars, bike tubes and almond butter. You may remember that I have a job now, which is awesome. But it turns out that in order to live a lucrative lifestyle without having a real job you have to reach into the intelligent recesses of your brain and plan oodles of inventions and creations that will positively change the lives of millions of people and in exhange, bring oodles of currency into your kitchen. Wallet.

So with that, I've been thinking of many new ideas that I guarantee you will like and will want to invest in immediately. In fact, let's just take my word on it and you can invest right now before learning about these plans.

Here we go.

1- Razor blade gloves.

I'm lazy, you're lazy, and Danny Heeley is lazy. Shaving is time-consuming and annoying. Who wants to spend such a long time shaving their legs or face or back or head or eyebrows or lower back or armpits? If you answered no one, you're correct. That's the thing about shaving- you commit to it, but then half way through you're emotionally over it. Then you are left with the decision: do you do a hack job for the rest of your process, do you rush shave and miss spots, or do you waste your entire afternoon/sanity finishing the shaving ordeal?

Well my friends, none of the above. I am more than pleased to present my newest invention. These are soft, delightful gloves made of velour or angel hair that you wear while shaving. There are razor blades on each of the fingers. Now you can shave five times faster and with much more dexterity than you have with a massive plastic attachment razor.

I'm not talking about Freddy Kreuger hands, but simply cartridge razor blades that are attached to wonderfully comfortable gloves. Now you can shave safely and efficiently. You are welcome hairless-America.

2- No-nose Winose

That is a brilliant product name, I promise. Once you hear about it you'll agree. It's fun, a play on words, and is super catchy. Swag surfin.

No-nose Winose is a product for people who want to look refined while getting that last drop of wine from their glass. Everyone who knows anything about wine and life in general knows that the older the wine gets the better it is, so I can't stress enough the deliciousness of the last drop in the glass. It is the oldest so it is the wisest.

However, it is impossible to get that last bit without going bottoms up on the wine glass and shoving your face into it like you're some sloppy pig in a trough trying to get at the last bit of compost. Face it world, this is refined wine drinking- you're not throwing back a 4-Loko and you're not drinking a milkshake.

I introduce you to No-nose Winose: A specially produced wine glass that has a cut out for the bridge of your nose, enabling you to tilt the glass at less of an angle to get the last drop. Instead of pouring it on yourself like a bucket of Gatorade after winning the championship game, you can now classily consume that Pinot-No-Nose.

I mean, look at this animal:

It's pretty much the same thing:

3- Paninian's

This is my second restaurant that I'll be opening, behind "Wrap Music".

I will serve paninis only, and they will be amazing.

With regards,


ps: I'm at the Tour of Walla Walla right now. It's raining and windy. Danny and Staz are sad because it's sunny in California.

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