The Adventures of My Dear Friend Redlands and I

Redlands, you are pretty close to not being invited to my birthday party. I meant that in the town sense, because it would be pretty darn ridiculous to invite a whole town to a birthday party. In the friend bike race description, sure, I guess Redlands can come to the party. But it better bring a gift because I'm still pretty worked from what it did to me last week.

Last year I had no idea what to expect going into the race. I ended up basically getting chewed up and spit out in pretty much every stage, finishing the race on GC about... 3rd to last or something. If you care, here is the report from last year. It was a great way to start the season last year, and that trend continues.

Let's get down to business.

Stage 1- Prologue (?) Time Trial (?) of death (!) 

Let us be entirely honest with each other. This race is hard. Here is why it is hard:

• I used a 28 tooth cassette. Really. In a 10 minute race. A 28!!!!
• I warmed up for 1 hour and 10 minutes. For a 10 minute race. 
• The closest example I can think of is that this course is like being dragged behind a car (sort of like the Indiana Jones movie), then getting curbed stomped, having to smell brussell sprouts being cooked, sorting intricately designed beads for 2 hours (mentally stressful), then giving an ANGRY Kennett a piggy-back ride, followed by 14 lashes from a flaming dragons tail, concluded with sticking your hands, two toes and elbows into a blender while a hippopotamus dances Soulja-Boy's dance on your lower legs and his friend the anaconda wraps itself around your torso and neck- slowly sucking all the life out of your skinsuited, aerohelmeted, 28 tooth cassette using, lower-back cramping, eyeball exploding self. 
• Go back and re-read the last bullet point so you fully understand the course. I also think that was the longest sentence I have ever written.
• The mental struggle! Aero wheels, or light climbing wheels? TT bike or Road bike? Is there a way to skip this stage? What about the pacing?
• Use this bullet point to catch your breath, because there is no spot for that on the course.

Ok, so if I haven't convinced you, this course is HARD. It is only ~5k. That is all. 3.1 miles. The first 2 are gradually uphill, and the final ~4 minutes of pedaling are up a wall. You know that scene in Mission Impossible where Tom Cruise climbs the outside of the tallest building in the world? Yeah, it's like that. Steep in the sense that some people were paper-boying the finish climb.

In this next picture, I am in literally my easiest gear. And I am pretty sure that's near the flattest part of the course. This is why I didn't win.

Last year I was about 100th. This year I rode so hard that I am pretty sure I popped out two ribs, partially pulled a hamstring and almost ran over a spectator. I was about 45 seconds faster than 2011 and I think 66th.

Team GC Battle update-

Danny Heeley CRUSHED us to take the early lead in the real race. The beating your teammates race. This is an important position to hold, because then you always get to ride in the front seat of the car!

Stage 2- Beaumont (This is way to long to be a called a) Circuit Race

120 miles of bike pedaling with large amounts of people. Last year, I crashed approximately 7 minutes and 25 seconds into the stage and spent all day riding with my ass hanging out of my shorts. I got fantastic sunburn, and still have the weird tanlines from the holes in my shorts. I was planning quite hard to not do that again this year.

Great success!

Important information about this stage-

-About 47 people received fines for urinating in public. During the race. All at once. As in a mass pee break called by the race leader. However, I avoided this fine. Here are the reasons-

           - I spent the majority of the first lap chasing back on for dear life after breaking a spoke in a
             terrible spot. Instead of drinking water, I relied on my camel-like water stores (that water is
             stored in the back of my head. I learned that my skull is quite long and alien like when I saw
             my film debut)

Wtf? We know that's not brain being stored back there

      
            - Since I hadn't been drinking water, I didn't need to go to the bathroom when the heftily
              fined pee occurred. Also important to know, I was still off the back when this happened. I
             dare  you to tell me a time in my life where I was more excited to see 47 men urinating on
             bushes than I was last Friday during this bike race. This meant a free ride to get back to
             the pack!

-Jon ran into a wall during the race. He didn't get any sort of road rash whatsoever. I KNEW Moto-Bros were tougher than the rest of us bike racers.

- I watched a guy point out some road furniture, then PROMPTLY crash into said median. Thanks for the warning, dogg!

- We did 120 miles, with 7000 feet of elevation gain, in 4 hours and 35 minutes. That's 26 mph.

- This stage was the introduction of our new White Aero-Race jerseys from Castelli. These things are skinsuit-top like jerseys. The main learning curve? Figuring out how to take them off once the race is over.

- I came unglued the last lap, about 30 seconds from the top of the last climb. Then chased as hard as I could for the next 10 k, with the lead group in sight the ENTIRE way. Last year I lost 8 minutes on this stage. This year, only one.

Team GC Battle Update-
Heeley is determined to hold his lead and finishes strong in the lead group. Jon runs into a wall and still scores a strong second on the stage (in the team race, of course), and I finish the team podium with third.

Stage 3- Crit

Normally I'm not down with the Go-Pro videos for durations longer than 12 seconds, but I think that this one is appropriate.

Summary if you didn't watch it. He pedals, then does a 180, more pedaling, then a right left chicane, followed by another 180 with brake-checking, followed by a right, right, BRAKE, right, left, right, hill, finish. With lots of braking and accelerating turning and pedaling.

Alright, I learned last year that this race SUCKS in the back. The field is so huge, the race is so fast, and the corners are in such large quantity that you basically can be about 3 corners behind the leaders. The entire race. So I knew that the start was important, and I fought to chop Danny on the line so I could hopefully steal his team gc lead. Fast forwarding through the entire crit, I had a pretty great 75 minutes of racing. Unfortunately this race was 90 minutes and I went the wrong direction for the last 15 minutes of it.

However, huge style gains this weekend. White watch, white jersey, white socks, really really pale white skin. Fresh!

Team GC Battle update-

Danny valiantly defends his lead. I try to get back the 5 seconds that Jon had over me, but much to my dismay he marked me the entire race, finishing directly behind me, even though he didn't know the race was ending.

Stage 4- Sunset with no sun

Turns out that 100% chance of rain means just that. The best way to describe this course is to think of a roller coaster. Instead of motors pulling you up to the top, you have to pull yourself up with rope. Then while going down the other side you are required to every so often stick your hand out and smack the support towers. Unlike a varying up and down rollercoaster, the Sunset loop is shaped like a mountain. 4 miles of climbing, 4 miles of descending. Repeat, if you're really good (like 18 guys were that good) 12 times. The rest of us get pulled after X amount of laps. However, this course is really psychotically fun. Like the kind of fun that you feel kind of guilty enjoying because you probably won't be able to walk very well after racing.

Oh my gosh! Look how beautiful! Well that turned into THIS-

PS, that's not me.

Here is me!

Please note. Black socks. Black jersey. Black Watch. Ooooh no he did'int.

Turns out that proper style doesn't keep you from getting dropped, but I do think that it helps with other things. Mainly checking the time.

I finished in a LARGE group that was "racing" for about 60th. After you get pulled, the officials take one of your numbers so they can accurately score the groups. Apparently my number got eaten by the Sunset monster because I was listed as DNF. Which really isn't important, because finishing around 65th in overall GC doesn't really matter. But I finished darnit! I don't like dropping out of races, which is why I rode in a grupetto for 4 laps in the pouring down rain improperly dressed. So let's say I got... 68th on the stage.

Team GC battle Update-

I finished in a group with Danny, David and Gabe. Where was Steve?? The Lil Bugger lasted quite a long time with the front group and won the stage. The team stage, sorry. Jon knew that the team gc battle was close so he attacked us the last time up the hill. What this meant is that when we got pulled, he had to do another cold lap in the rain! Sucker! Steve made up a lot of time on us, but Jon ended up winning the Team GC race with his late race attack. Danny held on strong for 2nd, and with my apparent DNF on the last stage, Steve surged into 3rd on team gc.

The prize for those bros is they get to clean my bike if they want to.

Then I drove in a car for 20 hours!

Important to know-
      A) I can't sleep in moving vehicles. I am absolutely faking it in that picture. No matter how
           comfortably I am sprawled out across the backseat with an eyemask/earplugs in,
           immediately after completing a stage race, at 2 am, I won't be able to sleep.

      B) I was in cars from Seattle to 2Sawn and back. And I didn't drive once. Thanks Alan and    
          David!

Ok Redlands, for my birthday I expect two medium gifts (based on the difficulty of the crit and Beaumont), one large gift for Sunset, and one Ferrari to make up for my busted ribs, hamstrings, and world after the TT.

FINAL NOTES!

- Based on Strava, I learned that Steve did the TT climb 30 seconds faster than me. 30 seconds! The fun behind this is that I covered the first 3k 36 seconds faster than Lil' Steve. So I still beat him in the TT. This shows the loco-ness of the course. I used a TT bike, disc, aero helmet, and DEEP front wheel. Steve used a road bike, light wheels, and regular helmet with my aero plastic cover. So since our times were so similar, does that mean the equipment choice doesn't actually matter?

- I saw Tela TWO TIMES! Last year she came up and chilllllled for the afternoon one of the days, and we had a quite unproductive afternoon. The goal was to top that day from last year, and oh my golly-goodness did we succeed. We went to TWO coffee shops!!!!! Then she came to watch the crit- Important to know is that she was wearing a white watch. It aint easy being steezy.

- In the Beaumont stage we did the first 15 minutes of the race with an average speed of 35 mph. My heart rate average? 62 bpm.

- After the crit we had a dinner at one of the host houses. And by dinner, I mean feast. Tela also came to this and even though there was much heckling, she refused to race the USAC crit the next day. Kennett stole one of David's meatballs, and then Tela stole the remaining three. She then proceeded to blame everything on Kennett, which is shockingly believable. Basically what I'm trying to say is that T.Crane fits in on the team.

See you next year Redlands!

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Get Rich You Creatures

Prelude- in no means is my newest product advocating road rage, angry driving, or even road fury. It's more of a hi-hi-hi-larious way to get rid of that anger.

While driving the ENTIRE Westsiiiide, including basically every territory in between Canada and Mexico, I had lots of time to think. Srsly though, I left Bellingham (about an 1/8th of an inch away from Canada on a map) and drove to Seattle. Then drove to Agoura Hills, California. Then drove to 2Sawn, Arizona, which is basically on the Mexico border. Then back. Here is the rough route that I traced onto Google Maps.

We didn't actually go to Nevada, but I put that in there because Danny REALLY wanted to go to Vegas. Which I'm pretty sure exists in more than just TV and movies, and I think its existence is in Nevada.

Anyways, here is how I'm going to be Vega-rich (like Mega-Rich, but relateable to people from Las Vegas). My newest idea stems from there being bad drivers everywhere, and the sad/depressing fact is that these people aren't bad because they're functionally a bad driver, but they are bad because they are so unaware of the world that they merge onto the freeway at 28 mph and drive in the left lane while napping. Seriously, I think most people never learned how roads work, and since people in positions of power (i.e. POTUS) seem to think other issues are more important than MY time (lame), there hasn't been some sort of broad re-teach everyone to drive mission statement. In fact, Future President Steve Fisher said that his first mission in office would be to take everyone's licenses away and make them be better at driving-life.

Honestly, I've already figured out the most logical solution and I've documented it here. Once the D.O.T excepts my proposal I'll be rich from that so this idea will be more like the keep me entertained fund. I don't mean keep me entertained financially, I mean keep me entertained while driving. Here's how!

The basis of this invention is a little front bumper mounted launcher. Similar to a t-shirt launcher at a basketball game, a deposit shoot at a drive up bank window, or the little rocket launchers that James Bond has on the front of his Aston Martin Vanquish (which I will be able to buy once this idea is a-OK'ed by President Fisher).

Ok, so you get the launcher. Next, this product will have a touch screen on your dash board. There will also be a miniature joystick next to your shift lever. Pay close attention now, because this is where the annoying drivers come in.

When something wrongs you- ie you're trying to go 98 in a 60 and there is someone going 65 in the left lane (HOW DARE THEY), my device allows you to tell that person just how you feel.

I introduce you to the...

Sarcasm-Gun!

Using the joystick, you laser beam target the car. Once location is acquired (front drivers window is optimal), you press the button on the top of the joystick and the target locks on. On the touch screen, you then compose your message, or choose from several pre-composed messages.

This is very important: none of these messages are rageful. The screen has a microchip that tells when you are writing something wrong, and does not allow you to send that message to your new best friend! (See? Sarcasm. Right there. Because they aren't your friend). They are only tic-tac sized sarcastic messages that will make you feel better about yourself, all while doing nothing but confusing the person who received the message. You submit your message, it goes through the system, and a sticky note type carrier is launched from the bumper mounted cannon.

My vision is that this device will end road rage entirely. Combined with my speeding control device I have essentially figured out how to stop traffic.

Here are some sample messages:

"Hey Sport, I agree that the left lane is for cruising!"

"It sure was a treat to see your brake lights for no reason!"

"Thanks for restricting my speed, I wasn't actually in a hurry"

"I agree, mirrors are for style purposes only"

"That lane change worked out well for you!"

"HOW DARE YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT AND LET ME HIT YOU DOING 80"

The technology for this is pretty advanced, so as of right now I can offer the whole set up for $499. *

(I also need some funding to do the research to design the actual technology)

Redlands report soon.

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It Begins Today!

Let me tell you, I am rolling around with excitement. Of course rolling around is synonymous to laying in my bed conserving energy, but tomato, to-mahto, am I right?!?!

Here are some reasons I am rolling around-

1. The NEWEST episode of "The HB Show"! This one is way more exciting than episode one, because well, we ride bikes in it. There are some pretty awesome from the car leadout video clips that make me feel all joyous inside my belly. In fact, I've watched just that scene probably 15 times since Winger uploaded the video yesterday. Watch it. In fact, watching it two to three times would be better.                                                                                    http://vimeo.com/38924415 
2. We got our new team kit! Several large boxes showed up at our house. Now we all match even more than the early '00s boy band "2gether".

 

        3.   Oh also, we get to race bikes today! Right! This is the really hard, messed up, kick in the      
              teeth, laugh while you cry, throw you in the sauna, and make you go up one more steep hill    
              prologue time trial. Sounds great!  

There is my list for the morning. Let me leave you with some excellent moments from the past.

There are three of us eating cereal in this house. Turns out when you go to Trader Joe's out of entertainment, you end up getting a new box of cereal every time. I discovered just how good the Ginger Almond granola is. I actually got that type because David has been stealing my food recently, so I bought something that I knew would poison him if he ate it.

Speaking of David, here he is at a fancy golf resort establishment. I won't say what he is doing behind that welcome sign, but I will say that it involves getting rid of some of his morning coffee.

Danny and I played some chess. I used to be mega-baller at this basically Olympic Sport, but that was in the mullet days. Since I am now a respectable adult, I only take instagramish photos of slightly entertaining things to post on the internet.

Well, if you were curious of the outcome of this match, two days later Danny tricked me into losing my queen, and most of my other pieces. Then he slyly and mysteriously trapped me in a non-corner and I was forced to admit defeat. Tela, please note that I am wearing a black t-shirt.

 

The neighborhoods and houses near the race courses are sort of small. Also, please notice the statue of the frolicking dolphins by the front door. Animals are a common theme for welcoming guests, but in this neighborhood they are mostly lions or gargoyles. This house went aquatic.

I think that if I were to ever have a house that warranted a front door keeper, I wouldn't have any of those previously mentioned creatures. I would have a very, very lifelike beast keeping guard.

It would definitely be posed in a thinking posture like above.

Finally, I'm really stressed out. Here is proof.

Since I think circles are important, let's bring this back around. Here are two more things just rolling around with excitement.

I realize that these are upside down or sideways or something. If you wanted video quality, you should have already watched:

http://vimeo.com/38924415  

Alright, I'm going to go aeropress. Then try and strava some ish. Bye!

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO........

This site! Today marks the one-year anniversary of me posting my first blog on the interwebs for three whole people to read.

Celebrate!!!

Cupcakes are the modern mans birthday cake

Thanks for sticking with me through the year, or if you're a new reader, you better continue reading for a whole year. Or else. Just kidding, but I do like when people read the site, so not really. But sort of.

This last year has brought a whole bunch of cray cray, and I am pretty excited to continue to grow my get rich ideas for awhile to come.

Here are things that I plan to do for the 2012 blogging season:

• Do better
• Blog more!
• Create a get rich scheme that you all actually vibe with, that way I can accept donations to build, design, or create this- whatever it will be.
• Write about winning something
• More interactive blog posts
• Capture a picture of Jesse hunting a bear
• Teammate interviews

Basically what I'm saying is that I hope y'all aren't sick of me yet, because I'm not going anywhere. Are blogs aged like dogs? Most blog sites don't last very long because people run out of things to say, so does that mean that one year in blog age is actually quite older? Hopefully it's my blogs sweet sixteen today, so just like the MTV show I could have a massive, over-the-top fiesta with live performances by Ludacris, the Charlie Daniels Band, and Aziz Ansari.

Finally, as a gift from me to you-

Thanks for sticking with me

Me with a baby-mullet! How much style is oozing out of that picture right now?!?!!? A LOT!

Later Alligators (and crocodiles and other reptiles and mammals, and maybe some amphibians).

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Return to Redlands

I'm back!

Redlands is a pretty awesome town, a pinting hard race, and just a good all around time.

After spending a majority of my life in 2sawn at Sparkroot coffee, we left. Drove back to Redlands through dust storms, rain downpours, and potentially snow. Weird. The four of us were all pretty g'd that we were in 2sawn and not San Dimas, because San Dimas had broken weather. Well, we got to drive in that weather, but it's now sunny here in Redlands. You're welcome.

We got into our host house last night and were greeted by an abundant arrangement of animals. Here's the tally-

3 dogs
3 cats
2 lizards
1 million fish
1 turtle

 

This is NOT an illusion! That cat really is that big. Need more proof?

Not pictured- the cat "kitty witty/blackie wacky".

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Old Pueblo GP

Some races are fantastic, and others are not.

A really great thing about road racing is that after a bad race, you get pretty much an immediate chance for redemption. I was NOT good on Saturday, and I race again this Thursday. Which means that the crit Saturday is a thing of the past.

Moving on.

Plus side is that Steve, David and Danny all raced like ballers. Looking forward to crushing some more races with those guys soon.

How about Redlands this week?

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Now We're in Tucson, Wassup Old Pueblo?

I've teleported and am now in Tucson, Arizona. That is a really weird word to spell. This place is definitely not pronounced Tuc-Son, but rather Twosawn. In fact, that makes more sense and I will spend the rest of this post referring to this village here in the desert as Twosawn. Actually, change that plan. Let's add a little flavor by calling it 2sawn. So for you readers that can't follow logic, Tucson = 2sawn.

Danny, David, and myself drove* a fantastic rented minivan 9 hours from Agoura to 2sawn and got in around dinner time last night. Naturally, we needed to eat, and the events that occurred next were certainly unique.

But first!

The REAL University of Pheonix

Holy shit, that's a mammoth

*David drove the whole way

We decided that since we had been cooped up in a van all day we were going to walk to dinner. We are staying in an apartment smack in the middle of downtown 2sawn and because of its proximity to what we assumed was everything, we set off on a nighttime stroll.

As we walked around looking for someplace to eat, from behind us we hear "HEY. HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU". A man starts shouting at us from somewhere behind. We are immediately on edge, hands in the pockets, continuing forwards. This felt like a "we're about to get jumped" situation.  But wait! His name was Gabriel, and he was druuuuuuuuunnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Notable parts of this conversation-
to David- "you must be in the army. I like you. You're my buddy!"
to Danny- "You got your Mohawk you probably crazyyyy"

"Let me guess- You talk all the game and start the fight (to Danny), you jump in and back him up (to me) and you're the one who comes in and finishes it off! (to David)".

Side note. Danny is potentially the calmest person I've met

"My shirt is gangster, right?"

He was wearing this shirt:

Nothing says gangster like lobsters.

And finally, to a bike-carriage driver-
"Give me a lift man, I'm fat and I'm rich!"

So in a theoretical fight, Danny starts it, I'm the middle guy, and David finishes it off.

We returned to our host house to find out that the air mattress pump provided was by no means capable of pumping up the air mattress that we had. So we set to inflate this sucka with a modified bike pump. Roughly 25 minutes of pumping later, I had a bed.

In this situation, I started things (the pumping), then David figured out we needed to modify the pump, then Danny took over.

Two different situations, two different orders of operation.

Friday was quite the stressful day. I slept in, hung out at a coffee shop, went for a ride, hung out at a coffee shop, finished riding, ate a burrito, and hung out a coffee shop.

UofA Campus

A nice picture of Danny, David, and myself

Tomorrow I get to race my first crit of the season. David will start things off, Danny will be that middle guy, and I will finish it full tilt.

Time to ball here in 2sawn.

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A Day That Makes Me Feel Happy of Myself

Hi!

Yesterday was a phenomenal day. Let me start from the very beginning.

I woke up with ease, well before the alarm was set to go off. I actually did something amazing- Colin (my roomate*) woke me up by saying "Hey Ian, it's breakfast time" and I woke up instantly in correct sentence structure. What I mean is that as Colin started his sentence, I peacefully woke up, and while waking up I processed that Colin was speaking to me, and as I drifted into the waking world I formulated a sentence that made perfect sense. Good start!

Also, the birds were chirping like a symphony of Mozart's stepchildren.

Next, I walked downstairs and used the button-push coffee machine to make coffeets. They were awesome. Then I had cookies for breakfast! After a winter of not eating anything but Kale and chicken broth, it was nice to learn that I had beaten Kennett in the body weight competition. So now that I've gained 18 pounds, it was time to sprint again.

Attention- there are no photos or videos here even though we took lots yesterday. I'm assuming that they just haven't gone through in my email yet, because Chris Wingfield took lots of awesome photos and Alan took lots of videos. I can only assume that the reason that I don't have these to share in my blog is that Winger is doing lots of editing to make sure my muscles look huge and shiny. Also, pretty excited to see these (hint) and I can't wait to see them (hint) and I'm sure that Wingerstudios.com did a awesome job and when I see the videos (hint) and have a new picture for my blog heading (hint) (that's a panoramic shot) (hint) I will be really excited. I'm glad that we have a photographer on the team who can make me look cool (I'm hoping) and can send me pictures and videos to use on my blog (hint). Thanks Winger and Alan for capturing our day yesterday!

So yesterday we got to do some sprint leadout training. Since we are group of hooligans, we had a great opportunity to learn from literally one of the best US based sprinters of all time- Ivan Dominguez.

Ivan is friends with Joe and because of that, we were able to go out and ride and get advice while doing the actual leadouts. No offense to Holmes, but he isn't and has never been capable of winning a bunch sprint at Tour of California, Tour of Missouri, or Seward Park Thursday Night World Championships. We split into some squads, and basically raced eachother using what we had just learned. My team was Jesse, David, Gabe, and Danny. We all restricted ourselves from putting the other team (our teammates) into the curb, but at one point I looked each of our competition through their eyes, into their souls, and threatened their unborn children. Not really. But actually I did.

We did three sprints, and each were the highlight of my week. It was a really great experience to do these with Dominguez giving us pointers and I took a lot from it. It's pretty cray cray how much you can learn in twenty minutes, and we're pretty G'd to try it out in the bike pedal races.

And then the first highlight of my great day-

After coffee with Dominguez, and by coffee I mean he had apple juice, we rode off for another photoshoot type activity. Winger stood in the middle of the road and Alan tried to walk rapidly backwards in flip-flops. I have yet to see these photos (hint) but when I do expect me to post them on here. Unless I look fat or my arms look really hairy.

For the second big highlight of my great day, check out this awesome photo I found of Steve and his peers!

David- "those are all the tall guys kids. And they're all in like, elementary and middle school"
Kennett- "Steve just wanted to feel part of a group that's not above him"
Chris- "I'm so happy that photo exists"

And somehow camp is now over. In an hour David, Danny and I get into a rental Ferrari and drive nine hours to Tucson for the Old Pueblo GP. RACING ON SATURDAY!

              *my kangaroo buddy (Colin's joke) (lol) (high-fives in the kitchen)

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Doing Things In Large Quantities: HB Team Camp Edition

There are roughly 2.3 billion acres of land in the great Ol' United States of America. There are 1,260,000,000,000,000,000,000 liters of water in our oceans. Danny ate 14 Oreos, Kennett got in trouble with Joe, Jesse threw frisbees indoors, and Dan did Danland stuff (mostly homework). These are all things that exist or happen in large quantities. Here are some more!

Starting from the beginning of this trip, Kennett needed to clean his bike. Instead of say, one rag, he used what appears to be tissues and Q-tips to clean his bike. Plus side, it got clean. Down side, he didn't end up needing to clean it because he got a new bike.

Our Salvation Army camp and industrial sized kitchen leads to some pretty large utensils that make cutting things smaller than pumpkins quite difficult. Since I don't put pumpkins in my oatmeal, I have had to figure out how to ball using essentially a machete to cut my apple.

We all went in on a dinner last night. Originally, we had noodles and sauce. That is all. Then Jesse and Colin went on a mission into the large, industrial sized freezer and returned with a heap of supplies. Including ~15 pounds of parmesan cheese and the equivalent of a burlap sack filled with chicken.

We began the cooking process and I, being the most thoughtful, considerate, and handsome of the group decided that in the sake of leftovers we should cook all the noodles that we bought, which was five whole packets. Proportionately, we had three jars of sauce. This means that now we have roughly 3.5 bags of cooked spaghetti leftover and 0.0 liters, ounces, or grams of pasta sauce left.

Also, the sun and the Pacific Ocean are in large quantities.

I am feeling a large quantity of squeezing and massaging in my legs right now as I am caressed by PodiumLegs.

Finally, we did a large quantity of through and off today on the coast. Miss you Cody, Steve & Logan!

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Team Camp Battle Royale- Me vs. Eastbound & Down Star Kenny Powers

Yesterday we rode and did some pedaling and some uphills and some downhills. Most importantly, we rotated on PCH and I followed behind Danny. It just felt so right.

Ignoring every other aspect of my life in this specific moment, I want to tell you about a mythical battle that I didn't know that I was having, with someone who I didn't know raced bicycles.

For a little background on the situation, I was born in Seattle, Washington in December of 1989. I grew up and eventually got a Garmin. Ok, up to date. Thanks to the miracles of Strava, I can upload a ride file and see comparisons to other people up hills, or even down them! Yesterday we did a climb called Latigo, and it was incredible. We don't really have any opportunities to do climbs longer than 4 minutes at home, and this one is 40. Went up it, finished riding, then scurried home to Strava, all night long.

That's a screen shot from the Strava Latigo KOM. Blah, blah, and... timeout. 6th place is Kenny Powers?

Wow, my world is shattered. Could it really be that the HBO show Eastbound and Down produced a man who can bike-pedal with ease? That can hold 593 watts for an entire 36 minutes and 53 seconds? For those of you unfamiliar, Kenny Powers is fat, does drugs, and has a motivational speaking disc. I'm guessing that he had to have been listening to that disc while climbing. Either that or he rode one of these:

Or one of these-

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not crying because of this. I am however taking some notes on how to climb better based on episodes of Eastbound and Down. First step- crashing my car (check), second step- becoming a PE teacher (not check), third step- selling lots of memorabilia on eBay (sort of check, I sold a powertap computer recently). Also, personal style is quite important. Luckily Kennett has hair clippers here at camp so that since I don't have long enough hair to braid, I can shave my head so it appears like I have the braids.

Props Kenny Powers, props. However, I had to check. This is a battle royale after all. On Saturday we did a climb called Mulholland. Could Kenny Powers have corn-rowed his way majestically up the mountain, dancing on his pedals much like, well much like this:

I DON'T THINK SO KENNY POWERS! TAKE THAT MY CINEMATIC NEMESIS!

Mulholland Drive saves the day. Back to school Kenny Powers.

 

See you all later, I'm really busy. I have to go watch Tirreno-Adriatico stage 6 footage now, then ride bikes in the sun (and drink coffee) (at Westlake Starbucks).

It's a hard knock life.

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